What every person who goes to therapy should understand.

I hold the right to not divulge certain details of my story or how I feel right away, and my therapist should respect that. Putting myself in a vulnerable position, I expect to receive care and compassion rather than judgment. Emotions keep us from experiencing future harm. When you are vulnerable to hurt, that means being prepared to not expect an apology or acknowledgment from the person we are angry with that has the problem.

Growing up, all I wanted was love, acceptance, and validation, but the harm has already been done because my dad would never know the void in my heart. Growing up, I was always told it’s impossible to miss something that you have never had, but then if that is true, then why did the demons of pain, guilt, loneliness, anger, and resentment show up when my dad left our family after my parents got divorced? The extreme useless feelings I felt and suppressing my feelings and emotions for so many years made me feel like I was nothing more than discarded trash and that how I felt didn’t matter to my father.

Although I had many questions I knew I would never get answers to, I also knew my father would never admit to having a problem with alcohol. Resenting my father only did more harm to myself because he would not understand my heartache or see the tears I cried. I had to make myself understand who my father was hurting by drinking, and it was my family. I had to evaluate what I wanted in my life, and that I had to make a hard decision to no longer allow his toxicity in my life.

For so long, I stayed in a shadow in the background, not letting myself be real and learned to bury my feelings and emotions. It is so hard learning to love someone who is beyond the point of help, and forcing everyone around him to live on edge, as if he were a grenade that would go off at any moment. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting the circumstances, it’s a choice for my well-being.

Being able to let go of the anger, fear, frustration, hurt, and shame that centered my beliefs and my reality. I got tired of walking on eggshells, waiting for violence to erupt in the home. I had to decide to no longer let alcohol have a priority over my safety and well-being. Taking action meant leaving the place that should have been home and being a place of safety, to find somewhere that could help me escape the fear I lived with every time I was at home. I wasn’t safe and that saddened me. I had to figure out how to change my life for the better.