Unkept Secrets

From the very beginning, I was made aware that I was unwanted. My mother always told my sister and me the story of when she found out she was pregnant with me. She would illustrate how she cried and screamed because she did not want another child. She acted it out to us over and over again and subconsciously I understood that to her…I was a mistake.

Throughout my childhood, my mama would tell me, “You’re just like your no-good ass daddy.” She would beat me when she was angry with him because I looked so much like my dad. This is the same dad that lived with us every day. The same daddy that I loved in spite of his many, many….um ….let’s call them shortcomings. She knew he wasn’t a good wholesome man, yet she stayed married to him. She kept him around knowing that he was addicted to drugs and alcohol. In essence, she kept us all in harm’s way.

Fast forward a couple of years, I realized our dad was molesting my sister. He soon began to try to do the same to me, but I couldn’t cooperate. This realization blew my entire world apart. I was only about 8 or 9 when I found out what was happening to her and my older sibling.

Not long after, my older sibling began to molest me for almost four years. Now, there we were…surrounded by all of these secrets. Incest had shadowed our family with guilt and shame beyond measure.

The next few years were an emotional roller coaster. I struggled through anxiety, anger, depression, low self-worth, suicidal thoughts and actions, teen pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse, and eventually mental hospitalization. I had even planned to kill my father, who at the time, I believed started this snowball to destruction. I didn’t know at the time, but being admitted into that mental health facility would be a significant turning point in my life.

The turn around:

I got married young and finally felt some sort of stability. My husband loved me at my worst and my best. We moved out of the God-forsaken town that we were raised in and took our family away from the painful reminders of our past. We soon discovered that God loves us even though our mess ups and indiscretions and we accepted a gift that none of us deserved. The gift of salvation.

From that point, I began to face my past and slowly sort through the suitcases, boxes, and garbage bags of issues that I had packed safely away in the recesses of my heart. I began to forgive everyone that hurt me. I started to realize that what I’d been through will one day be a testimony to others of how they too can overcome sexual and physical abuse and the aftermath that comes from that level of trauma.

Now, I embrace and mentor young girls and even some young women. I tell them that they are essential to God and how much He loves them. Even when they felt all alone like God had turned His back on them, He was there. Our True Father was right there rocking us in His arms saying, “There, there my child. I’m here with you. You can rest assured that there will be glory after this.”

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