Alone

I feel alone, even if I’m in a room full of people. I can’t feel happy, but it’s temporary and only lasts a few seconds. It hasn’t always been like this. One of my family members and child had to flee the country due to domestic violence a few years ago. It hasn’t been the same since then for anyone. After it all happened, I was ok for a while just thought they would come back in a week, and it would be ok. It has been 3 years, and I miss them every day. She met someone else and had two more children. I’ve missed their birthdays. All of them. It has been harder with restrictions because I can’t see any friends, and due to that, I stay in bed all day in a completely dark room. I want to tell someone how I feel, but I don’t want people to sympathize and worry. Especially when the pandemic is on, and my mom and dad have a lot of stress with work and life in general. I cry almost every day because I can’t do it anymore. I already tried to take my life, but it wasn’t successful. I want to try again, but I try to keep positive and keep the faith it will get better. I need help, but everyone has their own problems and own worries. I don’t want to be judged either for being that girl who is always sad or depressed. It is getting worse, and I had to end my relationship so I could work on myself and not push my feeling onto someone else. I do have a friend, my closest friend she helps me a lot, so I do try and still am trying. Even tho it is hard to talk about what happened, I try when I can and the trauma I’ve been through. I’ve tried everything to be happy, but it’s gotten worse and worse and continues to get worse, especially the last few weeks. I’ve realized that it’s ok not to be ok, but I don’t want to always feel like this.