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From the very beginning, I was made aware that I was unwanted. My mother always told my sister and me the story of when she found out she was pregnant with me. She would illustrate how she cried and screamed because she did not want another child. She acted it out to us over and over again and subconsciously I understood that to her…I was a mistake.

Throughout my childhood, my mama would tell me, “You’re just like your no-good ass daddy.” She would beat me when she was angry with him because I looked so much like my dad. This is the same dad that lived with us every day. The same daddy that I loved in spite of his many, many….um ….let’s call them shortcomings. She knew he wasn’t a good wholesome man, yet she stayed married to him. She kept him around knowing that he was addicted to drugs and alcohol. In essence, she kept us all in harm’s way.

Fast forward a couple of years, I realized our dad was molesting my sister. He soon began to try to do the same to me, but I couldn’t cooperate. This realization blew my entire world apart. I was only about 8 or 9 when I found out what was happening to her and my older sibling.

Not long after, my older sibling began to molest me for almost four years. Now, there we were…surrounded by all of these secrets. Incest had shadowed our family with guilt and shame beyond measure.

The next few years were an emotional roller coaster. I struggled through anxiety, anger, depression, low self-worth, suicidal thoughts and actions, teen pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse, and eventually mental hospitalization. I had even planned to kill my father, who at the time, I believed started this snowball to destruction. I didn’t know at the time, but being admitted into that mental health facility would be a significant turning point in my life.

The turn around:

I got married young and finally felt some sort of stability. My husband loved me at my worst and my best. We moved out of the God-forsaken town that we were raised in and took our family away from the painful reminders of our past. We soon discovered that God loves us even though our mess ups and indiscretions and we accepted a gift that none of us deserved. The gift of salvation.

From that point, I began to face my past and slowly sort through the suitcases, boxes, and garbage bags of issues that I had packed safely away in the recesses of my heart. I began to forgive everyone that hurt me. I started to realize that what I’d been through will one day be a testimony to others of how they too can overcome sexual and physical abuse and the aftermath that comes from that level of trauma.

Now, I embrace and mentor young girls and even some young women. I tell them that they are essential to God and how much He loves them. Even when they felt all alone like God had turned His back on them, He was there. Our True Father was right there rocking us in His arms saying, “There, there my child. I’m here with you. You can rest assured that there will be glory after this.”

As a child I was always thicker than my classmates, my hair was shorter, I wasn’t as popular, and in my eyes, I wasn’t as smart as some of them. Those facts alone made me feel like I was less than extraordinary. I always tried to measure myself with them, competing to fit in. I had one real friend growing up “Alexia.” She was the only one who understood me and knew what I faced at home. My mother was and still is a great mother. But she brought home a man that would soon take my virtue and leave me feeling worse than I already was. Alexia is the only one who knew what he was doing to me almost on a daily basis. It got so bad that she would stay the night with me so that he wouldn’t come to my room. I cried myself to sleep every day. Each morning I woke up hoping I was dead. Eventually, my grades suffered, and I missed graduation by 1/2 of a point. That was my breaking point. I tried to tell my mom, but of course, she didn’t hear me. Well, he ends up with some heart problem and had to take meds for it. I learned that the pills were designed to slow the heart down. I woke up one morning and decided that was it for me. I took the entire bottle, called and told my mom goodbye. Not knowing my grandmother was on her way over. I’m guessing she sensed something was wrong. I must have passed out because I woke up in the ER stomach being pumped and all. The next day my mom took me to a counselor and reality hit her that I was telling the truth. She put him out and filed charges. Through it all, she stood by me.  Everybody needs a friend like Alexia. She stood by me and listened. She cried with me and even tried to protect me. As I got older, I learned that my experience could help someone else. My experience gave me insight into what I was purposed for; It didn’t kill me, it made me better and stronger!

Behind my smile and bubbly personality, I hide a secret that I don’t share. I have social anxiety. I can speak to a crowd with ease. Its like I’m performing for a show, but when I have to talk to a person. My hand begins to tremble, my heart beats 2,000 beats a minute, and I feel like there are a million eyes on me. When I speak to the person, my words cannot form, and I end up saying something outrageous or stupid. My mind begins to overload with a million things to say, but I cannot speak out loud.

I do not have any friends because I am scared that I will run them off because of my awkwardness. I honestly would not know how to be a friend cause I’ve never had one. I am scared of people, but I have dreams. I have visions of being successful, but I know I need people by my side to make it happen. I have hopes of having a family, but I can’t even walk up to a person to “shoot my shot.”

I am tired of being a loner, but I am scared to step out. I am afraid of forming relationships. I am tired of being scared.

When I started this website I wanted to give people a safe haven, a place where they can come and be themselves without the fear of judgement. Once I started I had no idea how hard it was to stay active with the website. I am currently a full time student, I have a full time job, and I am pretty active in my church and community. I did not realize I had a plate full until I started to fell unmotivated with everything. I was working myself so hard, my body had to completed give out for me to sit down. During my time of resting, I started to think I was not cut out to be responsible for motivating and pushing so many people to their full potential.

I began to think of all the flaws that I had, and I started telling myself you are just another person, you cannot possibly change a person life. I begin battling with myself to shut the website down. It was not until I sat myself down and read Adrianna Latrice book, “Follow the Call.” This book shares the authors personal moments and how God shaped and mold her to her calling. When I first opened the book she wrote to me, “Keep allowing God to complete the work he’s started in you.” Just from that I began to find peace within myself and realize that God has giving me calling that I was more than qualified for.

The book begins to share the importance of listening to God and to follow the call that he has on your life. This book gave me so much confirmation on not only believing what God has for me, but to keep pushing and walking in the path that he has designed for me. “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable,” Romans 11:29. If God has put something in your heart, do it! Plant that seed and watch it grow abundantly. There will be times of fear and doubt but do not give up, by God’s grace he will not let you. It’s amazing how just two sentences gave me confirmation to keep going, to keep sharing my truth and encouraging others to do the same.

I want to leave this quote from her book in hopes that it will give you hope to pursue your calling. “People will see greatness in you that you won’t be able (at first) to see in yourself, and that’s natural. But receive their words of encouragement and their confirming prophesies openly, because God will do amazing things through you!”

I went in for my yearly checkup a couple of weeks ago. I went through the routine procedures and went on with my day. A couple of days of later I get a call from the nurse telling me that I had an abnormal pap smear. The nurse proceeds to say to me all of the things that could be wrong with me and what steps I need to take from here on out. As the nurse was talking to me, I begin to feel numb; I start to think about all the things that I would not be able to experience because my life is being cut short. When the nurse finished talking to me, she explained that I needed to come back in to run some test. I went back to the doctor’s office, and the doctor begins to check my body, and he discovered that something was wrong. He tells me that I had cancerous cells in my cervix and that they needed to be removed before they developed into cancer. The doctor was explaining all of my options and once I again I begin to think about the life that I would not have. I started thinking about children that I would not be able to have; I started thinking about spending my life in and out of the hospital because all I heard was cancer. It took my mom to explain to me that the doctor caught it before it became cancer, and they will remove the cancerous cells so that I can continue my life. She then told me that I still will be able to have a family and to live my life according to God’s plan. This moment made me realize how quickly we take life for granted and how quickly we assume that things cannot happen to us. I suffered from depression and this moment could have rapidly taken me back down that dark path, but instead, I begin to thank God for showing me who he was. We hear the saying,” Why do good things, happen to bad people,” and its simple. How can we know what the good life is if we never went through bad times? This moment made me humble of the life that I have and grateful for what is to come. I am scheduled for a LEAP procedure, where they will remove part of the cervix that has the cancerous cells. I pray that my procedure goes well and that I can continue to go on with my life. I wanted to share this story to stress the importance of getting a yearly checkup and to express that God sends you through some hard times so you can witness him move.

Next month will be 14 years of my life that I’ve been battling the pain of my past. It hasn’t been easy, especially when you can’t open up and tell the people that love you what you’re going through. Every day I wake up thinking today could be the day I get over everything that hurt me but that’s only what I tell myself to stay positive which doesn’t last very long. I was taken advantage of before the age of 13 years old by people that I thought were supposed to love me “JUST BECAUSE” they were family. Well, now I know that isn’t true at all because the family was the very ones that hurt me and made me the way I am today, no matter how hard I try to hide it. My smile only can hold up for so long, and I truly believe the time has come for me to be heard. Sex was the only thing I could too because it was the very thing I went through so young. I’ve slept with over 75 guys, and I’ve been in that very dark place using my body to relieve my mind for that moment, but that too is no longer a fix for the temporary relief I use to get. Now I go off to myself and cry trying to figure out how I can take control of my life after being robbed of my innocence and power so early on. Sometimes it stills feels like the beginning and the end will never come. Every person that tries to love or that does I only let them get so close before I push them away. It hurts to know you may never feel like someone can love the REAL YOU no matter how much they say they do. I don’t feel like I can be loved by anyone other than my children unconditionally, and sometimes that even affects me. This isn’t “ALL” of my story, but it’s all I can share right now because I’m still battling my demons on a daily basis and once I do overcome them if they don’t overwhelm me, I’ll share more.

Do you know your purpose in life?

We are all granted talents and passionate about certain things, but do you know why you are on this earth? Isaiah 55:11 says, ” So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it,” (New International Version). People confuse their gift with your purpose. Just because you are good at something that does not mean that it is your purpose in life. Your purpose is designed to give you peace; it is designed to give you the hunger to continue growing into your purpose. There is a reason why you are here, you are here to inspire others. Your purpose is to to glorify God in all that we do, including fulfilling our purpose.

What plan does God have for your life?

With your purpose, there is a plan that God already set for you when he made you. We might not know our plan at first, but God begins to reveal them to us once we discover our purpose. Jeremiah 29: 11 say, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,'” (New International Version). Even your hard times are part of the plan. You cannot grow if you do not go through things. Life is a constant trial and error. The only way you can learn about yourself is trying a variety of things to see what is for you and what is not. Hebrews 11:40 say, “Since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect,” (New International Version). God will tell us our purpose, but we have to seek God first to get to our plan.

Are you where you need to be at the time you need to be there?

Once you figure out your purpose and your plan are revealed, God will begin to position you. Your position may be uncomfortable, but that is where God needs you to be. If you stay in your comfort zone, you cannot grow. You have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Start doing things that you would not usually do and that will result in your growth. Think about a caterpillar. The caterpillar spends most of their life is just that, a caterpillar. Over time that caterpillar puts itself in an uncomfortable position over a certain amount of time. Once that caterpillar gets comfortable with being uncomfortable, it comes out of their position and becomes a butterfly. We have to be like a caterpillar. We have to understand our purpose, seek our plan, and position ourselves fulfill the plan that God has for us.

Do you pray?

Prayer is the most powerful thing that we have. Prayer gives us a chance to speak to God and form a relationship with him. This is our opportunity to tell him how we feel, what we need, and what he wants from us. We need to pray for things that will elevate us and make sure we do not have a hidden agenda in our prayer. God will grant us the desires of our heart, and all we have to do comes to him a sincere heart. Pray helps us discover our purpose, plan and put us in the position to be the person we were destined to be. Philippians 4:6-7 states, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus,” (New International Version). We have to trust God with every step that we take. To seek God first reveals our destiny in so many ways. As you go through life, remember that you need prayer to find your purpose. Purpose to seek out your plan and plan to position you for what you were called to do.

For years I thought something was wrong with me. I would sit and ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?” I would hear this about me. I would hear that about me. When I’m always off to myself not bothering anyone or even talking to anyone. After a while you start to question yourself. You start to ask yourself, “Well am I this way? Am I that way?” Once this happens, you have no idea who you are anymore. This is what happened to me. I was raised around a lot of girls. As I grew older, people would say this and that. People would attack me for the way I dressed which was nothing out of the ordinary. People attacked me for the way I talked. I’ll admit I had a bit of an attitude. However, none of this mean anything. As I got older I started to hear negativity from family and people I thought were my friends. Then that’s when I started to think, “Well now my family is saying this about me. Am I this way?” I’m going to admit, I opened the door for a lot of spirits to attack because I worried about what people thought of me. One day after watching, Iyanla, Fix My Life. The episode was about homosexuality. At that moment, I knew that wasn’t a lifestyle for me. Even though I had NEVER acted on any thoughts, PERIOD. That was a path I want going to go down at all. I begin to pray more, I begin to fast, I begin to seek God. I got more spiritually connected.

By doing this, it allowed me to know the real me. God showed me who to be around and who not to be around. God shows me how to fight off the spirit of perversion and have thick skin. With the help of God, I know who I am and what I want. With that being said, I want a family. I want children, I want a wife, and I want happiness. I will get it all! I am determined.   Do not let anyone tell you what you are or who you are. YOU ARE WHO GOD CREATED YOU TO BE. Walk in your calling and walk in your destiny! 

Who are you?

I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. He was my first everything and I thought he will be my last. I imagine the white picket fence, the two kids, and a dog I thought we would have it all. I know being 16, how I can you be so naive? But the sweet nothings that he whispered in my ears seems like a dream that I was waiting to come true. We dated for five years. It was five years of emotional abuse, five years of broken promises, five years of dreams turning into the fairytales. I became broken within those five years. I forgot who I was and took up for him whenever people would try to save me from him. He had me at his will and he knew it. I was weak and he took advantage of it. I did not know how to break away from, I was scared. I was scared of being alone, starting over, or putting myself in the same situation. I did not know what to do, and to be honest I still do not know what to do. I am still in the relationship, but I need help. How do I break away from a man who has so much power over me? How can I gain my power back? How can I start over?

CAPTIVE

I really just wanted to take the time to encourage any young male that was without a father / male figure. I too grew up fatherless (or so I thought). I later found out that the Lord is in fact a Father to the fatherless. Thanks to Christ, I AM where I AM today. It is possible as a young black male, to do the exact opposite of what society expects you to do. It is possible for you, as a young black male, to be nothing short of amazing and to be everything that Christ has ordained / called you to be. I have broken so many barriers that were before me with the leadership of Christ and I can honestly attest to the fact that with Him, nothing is impossible or too big. You have to remain faithful to Him and be a good steward over all that He has entrusted to you.

In Him.